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Last Updated - September 9, 2014

Texas Tales, Jokes and Anecdotes
Texas Cowboy Humor For All Ages
Edited by: John Watson

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Texas Tales are like Taffy
The more you stretch them,
the better they are.

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Texas Brags

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A Texan will tell you that he has the biggest and best of anything. If
not the biggest, then the most expensive. An Italian loves his good food,
a Frenchman enjoys his good wine and a Texan just loves to brag. Texas,
cows and cowboys all go together and I have some of all of it here,
including a lot of bull.

I have lived in Texas for the past 73 years and have collected quite a list
of Texas Tales, which I hope you enjoy.

Texas has always been known as the land of lots of open spaces. There is
a good reason for that. The cowboys riding their horses every day
herding cattle, checking fences and whatever, collect some of the aroma
from their horses and have you ever smelled a hot sweaty horse?
Considering that they only get a bath once a week, and during droughts
maybe once a month, they need plenty of room.

Three Old Men

Three old men were sitting in the park one day discussing politics, dog ticks and all
other kinds of ticks and the conversation finally got around to dyeing. The first man
said: "I'm not afraid of dyeing, what I am afraid of is getting sick..., being in the
hospital for weeks and possibly on life support and not really knowing what's going
on. I would prefer a quick death, possibly dyeing in a car wreck." After a minute the
second man spoke up: "I fully agree with you about wanting a quick death, but I
think I would prefer to die in a plane crash." The third man leaned over, spit out
some tobacco juice, straightened up and said: "Well fellers, I also agree with you
about wanting a quick death, but I think I would prefer being shot by some woman's
jealous husband."

Shotgun Showers

In West Texas the rains can be very spotty. Sometimes you can see three
or four showers at a time, neither covering a very large area. These
have come to be known as "Shotgun Showers." This is the story of how
that name came to be.

A hunter was out on a quail hunt one September afternoon and as he
was walking across the ranch, he came upon a cross fence. As any
good hunter would do, he leaned his gun, a double barrel 12 gauge
shotgun, against a fence post so that he could crawl between the
barbed wire safely.

As the hunter was crawling through the fence one of those spot
showers came over. When he got through the fence and turned to
get his gun, he found that one barrel was overflowing with
rainwater and the other was still powder dry.

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When Lyndon B. Johnson was president he often came back to Texas
on the weekends to spend time on his ranch near Johnson City.
He would often take his boat out on Lake Lyndon B. Johnson on
the nearby Colorado River.

One Sunday afternoon he and Lady Bird were taking a leisurely
cruise on the lake when Lyndon stopped the boat in the middle
of the lake and asked Lady Bird, who was in the bow of the boat,
to take the binoculars and look around the lake shore to see if
there was anyone on the shore.

After looking all around the lake she said, “Lyndon, there’s not
a soul in sight.”

“Look one more time,” Lyndon said. “Make sure there is no one on
the shore.”

Taking up the binoculars one more time, Lady Bird looked around
the lake again. Putting the binoculars down, she turned to
Lyndon and said, “There is no one in sight anywhere on the shore
of the lake.”

“Okay,” Lyndon said. “I’ve just got to try to walk on that water
one more time.”

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One day a New Yorker stopped in the little West Texas town of Rankin.
When he got out of his car the wind was blowing so hard he had to
lean into the wind as he walked to keep it from blowing him down.
As he approached the street corner he spotted a local man standing
there holding onto the lamp post. He asked the local, “Does the
wind blow like this all the time?” “No sir,” was the reply,
“Sometimes it changes and comes from the other direction.”

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An Englishman had visited Texas and was telling his friends about
his trip. One fellow asked, "What most impressed you about Texans".
He replied, "Their confidence. A Texan took me duck hunting and we
sat in a blind all day and never saw a thing. Then about sundown
a lone duck flew overhead, so high you could hardly see it. When
it was directly overhead the Texan raised his shotgun and fired.
The duck kept right on flying".

Then the Texan turned to me in amazement and said, "Son, yore
witnessing a miracle. Thar flies a dead duck".

Dennis Lowe
Corpus Christi, TX

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Texas has always been known as the number one natural gas producing
state. That is really no surprise seeing as the number of Taco Bells
we have serving bean burritos.

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The Pegasus, or flying horse, has been a symbol of Dallas since 1934
when a 40-foot-long neon version was installed atop the Magnolia
Building, at the time the tallest building in Dallas.

In fact, there were two Pegasus’s atop the Magnolia Building, one on
either side of the pole upon which they rotated. In the 1930’s when
the Magnolia Building was built, Dallas was a booming metropolis and
wishing to step out ahead of their sister city, Ft Worth; known as
‘Cowtown,’ they placed two Pegasus’s atop the building so that
no one would think of Dallas as a ‘One Horse Town.’

More
Texas Tales

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Celebrating the Fourth of July.