Scrub The Web
Texas Tales, Jokes And Anecdotes
One of our local farmers had two cows that froze to death last August.
It seems that they had crawled through a fence into a field of popcorn. It got so hot
that the corn started popping, the cows thought that it was snowing and froze to death.
A Scot in Texas
A Scot wonders into a West Texas cowboy bar. Two old cowboys are
playing pool when they see this strangely dressed fellow. One of the
cowboys points his pool cue toward the Scot’s kilt. "That shore is a
cute little dressey," the cowboy says. The Scot, offended responds,
"Would you be lookin’ at me kilt?" The cowboy replies, "Well, you shore
will be kilt iffin you keep wearin’ that little dressey ‘round here."
Check out my website in essays and stories...you might like 'em
E-mail to: email@example.com
For more: Mondo Madness (Songs, Poems, Essays, Stories)
Hunting Ducks On The Brazos
If there’s anything I like to do, it’s hunt. One day last week, I take my gun and go out to
practice. I hit the bull’s eye the first time, but it cost me twenty dollars to pay
for the bull.
The best luck I ever had was when I went over to the Brazos one day last month. I’d
been walking all day without seeing a thing to shoot at. I sits down on the bank of the
river to rest.. Pretty soon, I hear a noise up river, and I see about 500 ducks. I cock my
gun and take aim. Just as I’m going to pull the trigger, I hear a noise down river. I
turn to look and 5,000 geese are settling in. So I thinks to myself I’d rather have geese
than ducks, so I aim at the geese.
I’m about to squeeze off a shot when I hear a noise in front of me. I look down and not
three feet away I see a great big rattlesnake. Must be six feet long if it’s an inch, and
he’s coiled to strike, his mouth wide open. Well sir, I cock both barrels, take aim at the
snake, squeeze the trigger, and let go with both barrels. The dang gun bursts apart. The
right hand barrel flies up river and kills the 500 ducks. The left hand barrel shoots down
river and kills the 5,000 geese. The ramrod shoots down the snake’s throat and chokes
him to death. The gunstock flies back and knocks me off my feet into the river, and I
come out with my boots full of fish.
After the railroad came to town there were many railroad jokes going around, such as:
Why is a passenger on the MKT like Teddy Roosevelt?
They are both rough riders!
On the way from Ft Worth to Cleburne, a fat lady was sitting beside a skinney lady on the
train. The skinny lady said: “Conductor, I think you ought to charge people
according to their weight.”
He said, “Lady, if we did that, we sure wouldn’t have stopped for you.”
The West Texas rancher was being interviewed by the local TV newsman about the
drought. When asked how his cattle were getting by during the drought he replied,
“Well, all my stock tanks have gone dry and I have dug three water wells and so far all I
have gotten is oil, so I guess I will have to sell my cattle for whatever the market will
bring, take my loss and try again next year.”
I remember dad telling that the winter of ‘29
was the coldest winter he could remember. At the
time he was living by himself on his uncles ranch. As there was no electricity, he used a kerosene
lamp for light.
One night it got so cold that the flame froze
in the lamp. It stayed frozen for three days and
nights. On the morning of the fourth day dad was tired of the lamp staying on all night, so he broke
the flame off and threw it out the back door.
Dad always kept some chickens in the yard.
After the ground being frozen over for a week or
so, those chickens were ready to eat anything that moved. When one of those chickens saw that
flame sliding across the ice, she ran over, plucked it up and swallowed it. That chicken laid hard
boiled eggs for a week after that.
For many years Texas was known as the largest state in the union, then Alaska joined the
union and it became the largest state. I think that it is unfair for Alaska to claim title as
the largest state. Fully half or more of Alaska is covered with snow and ice the year
around and is only good for dog sled racing and other snow activities. Of course, we in
Texas enjoy our yacht races in the Gulf of Mexico and cruising our pleasure boats on the
gulf. So I suggest that Texas lay claim to the Gulf of Mexico as part of Texas and then
we can be the largest state again!
Three old men were sitting on a park bench just whittling and having a discussion. The
topic finally got around to death and how would be the best way to die.
“I would like to have a quick death,” the first man said. “I think that I would prefer to
die in an auto accident.”
“I agree with you about wanting a quick death,” said the second man. “But I think that I
would prefer to die in a plane crash.”
The third man sat there deep in thought for a few moments, then said: “I agree with both
of you about wanting a quick death, but I think that I would prefer to be shot by some
womans jealous husband.”
The cajun thought that his son, who had just turned 12, should learn the finer points of
duck hunting. So the first day of duck season they went down to the bayou, set out a few
decoys and got settled into their blind before sunrise. Just as the sun had cleared the
horizon good a flock of about fifteen ducks flew in and landed on the water with the
decoys about 30 yards from the blind.
The cajun stood up, raised his shotgun slowly, took aim and fired twice, BAM! BAM!
All the ducks took off and flew away. The cajun just stood there silent for a few
moments. Not wanting his son to think that he was such a bad shot he did some quick thinking.
Finally, he turned to his son and said, “Son, I want you to remember this day as long as
you live. You just saw two dead ducks get up and fly away.”
|Texas Tales, Jokes & Anticdotes|
|Johns Poetry Corner|
|Over The Backfence|
After hearing all the news reports about the ‘open carry’ law it got me to thinking about a news
report I heard back in the 1960’s. A man in Houston was celebrating his 100th birthday. Several
reporters were there interviewing him. One reporter asked: “Sir, what changes would you like to
see made in the way we live today?”
The old gentleman paused for a moment, took a deep breath and said: “I would like to see every
man packing a six shooter on his hip and a saloon on every corner.”